


It Ain't Easy, Being Dead

by clgfanfic



Category: Predator (1987), Street Justice (TV), War of the Worlds (TV)
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-01
Updated: 2012-11-01
Packaged: 2017-11-17 12:05:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/551357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clgfanfic/pseuds/clgfanfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A somewhat snarky bit of fluff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Ain't Easy, Being Dead

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published in the zine Green Floating Weirdness #15 under the pen name Jerkey Treat.

1        EXTERIOR - DESERTED OLD WAREHOUSE ON THE WATERFRONT

 

This building looks like something Steven King might have nightmares about.  Big, dirty, and decidedly creepy looking.  The only thing of note concerning the structure is the swarm of soldiers descending on it.  These intrepid men are led by one Colonel Paul Ironhorse – tall, handsome, red/bronze-skin, flashing black eyes, and red beret sitting at a jaunty angle on raven-black hair.  A tattoo on his left hip reads:  Gotta love it!

 

 

2        INSERT - MENTAL NOTE

 

(SPECIAL EFFECT:  mental notes are written in fiery red letters on thin air, inside a border of the same fiery material.)  This one says in all capital military-style print:

 

THIS LOOKS LIKE A SET UP!

 

 

3        ANGLE ON SUDDEN DISTURBANCE

 

On the deserted dirt road near the warehouse a single car pulls up.  Why this road or the warehouse is out here in the middle of nowhere is anyone's guess.  Two men climb out of the car.  One is tall, muscular, and black.  The second is smaller, younger, and white.  They are quickly surrounded by cammo-dressed and painted soldiers, their weapons at the ready.

 

 

4        ANGLE ON IRONHORSE

 

Looking annoyed.  He nods to his sergeant, Norah Coleman, and stomps over to see who has the gall to interrupt one of his missions.

 

 

5        ANGLE ON DISTURBANCE

 

The two men are loudly arguing with the soldiers.  The black man is flashing a badge, but the soldiers are thoroughly unimpressed (a couple of them yawn).

 

 

6        ANGLE ON IRONHORSE

 

As he joins them, looking real pissed off, several of the soldiers take a few steps back to be sure they're out of the colonel's reach.

 

 

7        ANGLE ON TWO NEW ARRIVALS

 

They size up Ironhorse and are only semi-impressed.

 

 

8        ANGLE ON IRONHORSE AND TWO MEN

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

Who the hell are you?  And what are you doing here?

 

                                                      BLACK MAN

 

Sergeant Adam Beaudreau, Police department.  Who the hell are you?

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

 _Colonel_ Paul Ironhorse, United States Army, Special Forces.

 

                                                      WHITE GUY

 

Hey, B, that means he outranks you!

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

And who the hell are you?

 

                                                      WHITE GUY

 

Grady Jamison, his faithful-martial-arts-practicing-sidekick.  I'm also better looking.

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

(mumbles) I hadn't noticed.

 

 

9        THE SCENE

 

Ironhorse waves and Harrison jogs up to join them.

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

This is my annoying-tuning-fork-using-vegetarian- pacificist-sidekick, Dr. Harrison Blackwood.

 

                                                      HARRISON

 

Sidekick?  Colonel, if you'll recall, _you_ work for _me_.

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

We'll talk about that later.

 

 

9a      INSERT - MENTAL NOTE

 

A second mental note of the same fiery red letters on thin air, inside a border of the same fiery material. This one says, in all capital military-style print:

 

                               GET A BETTER LOOKING SIDEKICK ASAP.

 

 

10      THE SCENE

 

Ironhorse looks to Adam.

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

Now, why are you here?

 

                                                          ADAM

 

We received reports of hideous screaming, blood-curdling yodeling, and some gnashing of teeth coming from that building. In other words, it sounds like all Hell is breaking loose in there.  I'm here to investigate.

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

You got some kind of death wish?

 

ADAM

 

Sometimes.

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

Me, too.  But, _we'll_ take care of it.

 

                                                          ADAM

 

This is _my_ jurisdiction.

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

Not any more, mister.  This area is now under martial law, and the control of the U.S. Army.  You have a problem with that, call the President.

 

                                                      HARRISON

 

Colonel—

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

(interrupting) Doctor.  Come with me.  We have work to do.

 

 

10      ANGLE ON IRONHORSE

 

As he stalks off, Harrison on his heels, but lagging back, glancing over his shoulder to look at Adam and Grady.

 

 

11      ANGLE ON ADAM AND GRADY

 

As Adam rushes forward to intercept the colonel and Blackwood.

 

                                                          ADAM

 

Just one damned minute!

 

 

12      ANGLE ON GRADY

 

As he catches Adam.

 

                                                         GRADY

 

B, you heard the man; it's an Army thing.

 

                                                          ADAM

 

This is my city, my beat, _my_ jurisdiction!  (Calling after Ironhorse) Whatever happened to cooperation?  And I'm your typical ex-Vietnam-vet-ex-Special-Forces-martial-arts- expert-cop!

 

 

13      THE SCENE

 

Adam and Grady catch up with Ironhorse and Harrison.  The colonel gives the detective a narrow-eyed once over, seeing him in a different light with the revelation.  He nods.

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

All right, since you're part of the esteemed brotherhood of warriors I'll let you come along, but just you.

 

                                                          ADAM

 

Fine.

 

                                                         GRADY

 

B!  I was in Vietnam!  I do martial arts!

 

                                                          ADAM

 

You heard the colonel, he's in charge.  _You_ wait _here_.

 

 

14      ANGLE ON GRADY

 

He's _not_ a happy camper.  In fact, he's sulking almost as well as Debi.

 

 

15      ANGLE ON HARRRISON

 

Looking very sympathetic.

 

                                                      HARRISON

 

Don't worry, kid, you'll get used to it.

 

 

16      ANGLE ON IRONHORSE AND ADAM

 

They draw themselves up to attention, chests puffed out, shoulders back, looking like the few, the proud, the about-to-be-shot-and-who-will-love-it.

 

 

16a    INSERT - MENTAL IMAGE

 

A mental image set inside a border of fiery material.  Images of choppers swooping down, door gunners firing, bombs exploding, flags waving, and the smell of testosterone…

 

(Check with producer on the possibility of smell-o-vision to make this FX truly effective).

 

 

16b    ANGLE ON IRONHORSE AND ADAM

 

As they grip their weapons and charge away

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

Let's go!

 

                                                          ADAM

 

Hooyah!

 

 

16c    ANGLE ON HARRISON AND GRADY

 

                                                      HARRISON

 

I hate it when he gets like this.

 

                                                         GRADY

 

Yeah, tell me about it.

 

 

17      INTERIOR OF WAREHOUSE

 

Which looks like a cross between Dr. Frankinstein's workshop, Malzor's playpen, and Steven King's basement.  Definitely scary.  Dark and murky, cold and damp.  Both men stop just inside the doors, which fall shut behind them with a crying moan and ominous metal clang.

 

 

18      THE SCENE

 

Adam and Ironhorse are looking around, their macho-aggression rapidly draining from their expressions.

 

                                                          ADAM

 

Who, or _what_ , are we looking for in here?

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

Terrorists.

 

                                                     DILLON (VO)

 

Yeah?  Well, anyone who hangs out in a place like this could scare me.

 

 

19      CLOSER ANGLE ON ADAM AND IRONHORSE

 

Both men looking as close to scared as they'll ever get.

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

That's _not_ funny.

 

                                                          ADAM

 

I didn't say anything.

 

 

20      THE SCENE

 

They turn, looking for the source of the comment.  Slowly two human forms begin to take shape not far away.  Two men.  One Black, one Latino, both soldiers.

 

 

21      ANGLE ON THE GHOSTS

 

The new pair are almost perfect mirror images of Ironhorse and Adam.

 

                                                         DILLON

 

(pointing at Ironhorse)  Hey, Poncho, he looks just like you, man!

 

 

                                                        PONCHO

 

Like hell!  I'm a whole lot better lookin'!

 

                                                         DILLON

 

Bullshit!

 

                                                        PONCHO

 

I'm younger, too.

 

 

22      ANGLE ON ADAM AND IRONHORSE

 

Looking stunned, but curious.

 

 

23      ANGLE ON PONCHO AND DILLON

 

Still arguing.

 

                                                         DILLON

 

Look at them, man.  They're standin' there like a couple of freakin' tree stumps!

 

                                                        PONCHO

 

Hey, man, we agreed, no tree comments, remember?

 

                                                         DILLON

 

(to Ironhorse and Adam)  Let's go!  Let's go kick some alien butt!

 

 

24      THE SCENE

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

Who the hell are you?

 

                                                        PONCHO

 

I'm Poncho, and this blind moron's Dillon.  We're dead, but the—

 

 

                                                          ADAM

 

Dead?

 

                                                         DILLON

 

You heard the man.  We're dead, and you're gonna be too if you don't listen to us!

 

                                                        PONCHO

 

The alien that killed us is here, and—

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

You two were taken over by aliens?

 

                                                         DILLON

 

Not aliens, man, an alien.  A Pre-da-tor.

 

 

25      ON IRONHORSE

 

An eyebrow arches upward.

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

I've never thought about the aliens that way… predators.

 

 

26      THE SCENE

 

Adam is staring at Ironhorse, Poncho and Dillion roll their eyes.

 

                                                          ADAM

 

You mean we're talkin' ET here?

 

                                                        PONCHO

 

You wish!

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

This is highly classified, Detective, but this planet is presently engaged in a covert war against an invading alien force.

 

 

27      ANGLE ON PONCHO AND DILLON

 

                                                        PONCHO

 

You mean those slimy frog-nuts?

 

                                                         DILLON

 

They've got slime-mold for brains, man.  They're not the problem here.

 

 

28      THE SCENE

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

Yeah?  You try—

 

                                                        PONCHO

 

We fought a _real_ alien!  And that mother's what's waiting for you in there.

 

                                                          ADAM

 

Are you telling me there are two different aliens in there?

 

                                                         DILLON

 

Hey, he's not as stupid as I first thought.

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

Come on, we've got to get in there and see what the hell's goin on.

 

29      THE INTERIOR OF THE WAREHOUSE

 

Mortaxans, some in human hosts, some in their naturally ugly form are scrambling for cover.  Wading through them like a bully on a playground is the Predator.  He picks off the Mortaxans one by one, stopping along the way to celebrate his victories with wild cheering, shaking of his booty, and an occasional moondance shuffle and twirl for good measure.

 

                                                      PREDATOR

 

Wheeeee!!!

 

 

30      ANGLE ON THE FOURSOME

 

Dillon glares aggressively at the Predator, then sticks out his tongue at it.  Poncho glances nervously around, looking for any tree trunks that might be lying in wait.  Ironhorse watches the Predator work, an impressed look on his face.  Adam looks confused.

 

 

31      THE SCENE

 

The foursome crouch behind crates, watching while the Predator dispatches the last of the Mortaxans.  The last slimy frog-nut falls, and the Predator, with all the appropriate ceremony, reaches down, shoves his hand into the chest cavity of the Mortaxan and pulls out the third arm while the rest of the body dissolves in a roiling, frothing, bubbling mass of green gooey glop.

 

 

32      ANGLE ON THE PREDATOR

 

The Predator eats the third arm like candy on a stick.  That done, he slowly licks his fingers as best he can around those clicking mandibles.

 

 

33      ANGLE ON THE FOURSOME

 

The two ghosts are getting real nervous.

 

                                                        PONCHO

 

Hey, man, you got any nukes?

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

Nukes?

 

                                                         DILLON

 

Yeah, the only way to kill these things is to nuke 'em.

 

                                                          ADAM

 

Not in my backyard!

 

 

34      ANGLE ON THE PREDATOR

 

Who has heard the conversation and picked up the scent of highly-trained-military-special-forces-warrior-testosterone.  He starts toward the crates where the foursome are hiding.

 

 

35      ANGLE ON FOURSOME

 

Poncho sees the Predator start their way.

 

                                                        PONCHO

 

It's coming!

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

(checking over the top of the crates)  No, it's not, it's just walking this way.

 

                                                         DILLON

 

Run!  Run for your lives!

 

 

                                                          ADAM

 

I don't run.

 

 

                                                        PONCHO

 

You're going to lose your head!

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

A West Point man never loses _his_ head.

 

 

36      THE SCENE

 

As the Predator draws closer, Ironhorse and Adam pop up and fire their weapons at the alien, who pays no attention to the hardly noticeable attack.

 

                                                      PREDATOR

 

(chuckles)  That's what human heads are, umm umm good.

 

 

36a    INSERT - MENTAL NOTE

 

Written in fiery red letters on thin air, inside a border of the same fiery material.  This one says, in all capital military-style print:

 

                                                  WE'RE FUCKED!

 

 

37      THE SCENE

 

The Predator takes one more step closer, then stops, its eyes widening.  It hiccups once… then again… the eyes roll back in their sockets as the creature groans, then drops to its knees and finally falls over, dead.

 

 

38      ANGLE ON FOURSOME

 

Who are all stunned.

 

                                                        PONCHO

 

I'll be damned.

 

                                                         DILLON

 

Probably.

 

                                                          ADAM

 

Is it dead?

 

 

39      ANGLE ON IRONHORSE

 

Looking martyred.

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

There's only one way to find out…

 

 

40      ANGLE ON IRONHORSE

 

As he leaves the cover of the crates and walks over to the belly-up alien.  Slimy green goo bubbles over the Predator's chin.  He kicks the creature and its arm flops like a fish.  Ironhorse jumps back, but there is nothing more.  Ironhorse moves closer and kicks it again.  Nothing.

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

It's dead.  Guess radioactive goo doesn't agree with them.

 

 

41      ANGLE ON PONCHO AND DILLON

 

They cheer, exchange high-fives, then hug each other, slapping each other's backs.

 

 

42      ANGLE ON ADAM

 

As he retreats to stand with Ironhorse.

 

 

43      THE SCENE

 

Ironhorse and Adam watch Poncho and Dillon.

 

                                                          ADAM

 

A little touchy-feely, aren't they?

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

It's a Special Forces thing.

 

 

Poncho and Dillon blink out of existence.

 

 

44      ANGLE ON IRONHORSE AND ADAM

 

Ironhorse and Adam look down at the dead alien.

 

                                                          ADAM

 

What now?

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

I stuff the sucker and hang it over the mantle.

 

                                                          ADAM

 

I don't think your sidekick is going to like that much.

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

(with a grin) Exactly.

 

 

45      THE SCENE OUTSIDE

 

Harrison and Grady run over to join Ironhorse and Adam as they exit the warehouse.  Ironhorse waves the soldiers to enter, they do, leveling adoring looks on the colonel as they double-time past him.

 

                                                      HARRISON

 

What happened?

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

There was another alien.

 

                                                      HARRISON

 

Another alien?  A Synth?

 

                                                          ADAM

 

Synth?  You mean there's _three_ kinds of aliens here?

 

                                                      HARRISON

 

At least.  I have this friend in the F.B.I. and he—

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

Blackwood!  That's enough!

 

                                                         GRADY

 

(to Adam)  You mean there really _are_ aliens?

 

                                                          ADAM

 

(to Grady)  Yes.  That or the chemical dumping around here is a whole lot worse than I ever guessed.

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

(to Adam)  It was a pleasure.

 

                                                          ADAM

 

Same here, Colonel.

 

 

46      ANGLE ON IRONHORSE AND HARRISON

 

As they watch Adam and Grady leave.  Once the car is well down the dirt road Ironhorse turns to Harrison.

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

Time to head back to the Cottage and wait for the next battle, Doctor.

 

                                                      HARRISON

 

Plan on spending your time sharpening your battle baton and cleaning your Baretta?

 

                                                     IRONHORSE

 

Of course, it's who I am, Harrison.

 

 

47      THE SCENE

 

As Ironhorse and Harrison walk to the black Bronco and climb in.  Patriotic music swells as the car doors close, the engine turns over, and they pull out, heading down the same dirt road.

 

                                                                          FADE TO RED, WHITE AND BLUE.


End file.
